Chapter One
In a short poem, written in 1948, Lodeizen says:
midden door dit uur
stroomt het supreem begrijpen
dat als een rivier
mijn twee landen scheidt
het een een droom
het ander droom's wolkenspel. |
through the middle of this hour
runs the supreme understanding
which as a river
separates my two countries
one a dream
the other a dream's shadow-play of clouds. |
This river of "supreme understanding" runs through almost every one of his poems. During his short life, Lodeizen was never able to reconcile the two countries that made up his world: The pleasant land of youthful memories, of innocence and fairy-tales full of castles, kings, and queens bordered the one side of the river. It is the poetic dreamland of sensuous gardens, ships with sailors, oceans, clouds, and the light of Spring. On the opposite bank is the land of reality, of big ugly cities, lost friendships, people's lack of understanding, of sickness and death. The river forms an uneasy border and the author drifts then toward one shore, then toward the other.
de moeheid in een bootje
roeit langs geweldige steden
die drijven ieder een eiland
langs de kust van het gefantazeerde intellect. |
tiredness in a little boat
rows along tremendous cities
which float, each one an island,
along the coast of our fantasised intellect. |
This poems opens Lodeizen's only volume of poems selected by himself. This selection called Het innerlijk behang (Inner[life] Wallpaper) is not in chronological order, and the poem appears in front because it describes the setting of much what is to come.
Physically as well as spiritually the poet finds himself tiredly rowing along the banks of his fantasised intellectualism, which, although it seems to present itself as tremendous cities, is much less than it pretends to be.
The theme of "tiredness" appears in Lodeizen's poetry in combination with the imagery of evening, acceptance of fate and an observation of the self in an almost narcissistic way.
... ik drijf in een gondola
langs versierde steden; muziek
komt mij als zwermen duiven tegemoet
ik lach en weet dat ik zeer ziek ben. |
... I drift in a gondola
past decorated cities; music
comes toward me like flocks of doves
I laugh and know that I'm very ill. |
Much of this tiredness was the result of the constant struggle of an individual torn between his overriding desires and the strong resistance of society, both in Holland and the U.S.A., against homosexuality.
... ik ben alleen en zonder hen
zij lopen langs mij en het is een ander
zij zijn anderen als zij langs mij lopen
ik heb hen lief in mijn dromen.
daarom droom ik: om een kachel
te zijn in een koude kamer, een zingend monster vol wellust en zegening.
de kachel zuigt mijn liefde op. |
... I am alone and without them
they pass me and it is someone else
they are strangers when they pass me
I love them in my dreams.
that's why I dream: to be a stove
in a cold room, a singing
monster full of lust and blessing.
the stove sucks up my love. |
It is this "unspeakable" world, this "cold house" from which the poet wants to be saved. In the poem "A Sturdy Toddler", Lodeizen's resentment is even more strongly expressed.
hij kon zich niet aanpassen
aan de afschuwelijke realiteiten van deze wereld hij zuchtte hij was kwetsbaar
hij draaide rond als een heel grote zee
de vieze en ellendige mensen
glimlachten van verhevenheid toen ze hem
in de soeppot van het leven
zagen onderdompelen als een balletje. |
he could not adjust
to the ugly realities of this world
he sighed he was vulnerable
he circled around like a huge ocean
dirty and disgusting people
smiled haughtily when they saw him
in the soup tureen of life
stirred under like a little meatball. |
To escape from this world of confinement, Lodeizen describes the fantasies of his dream-world, but realises that this imaginary land itself can be a prison.
om mij heen een avond
stom voor de gedachte, hulpeloos
voor de hand die bedelt, het donkere
weefsel waarin ik ben gevangen
waar de spin van de maan op mij wacht:
ik ben ongelukkig in de avond |
around me an evening
mute before the thought, helpless
before the hand that begs, dark
cloth in which I have been caught
where the spider of the moon waits for me:
I'm unhappy in the evening |
Lodeizen uses a great variety of symbols to convey this conflict between inner freedom and fear of confinement. Dream and reality, innocent youth and ambiguous present, and a progressively worsening future are presented in terms of contrast between happy sailing, ocean travels, sun, and gardens and unhappy cities full of clocks, calendars, business offices, profits, car-traffic and people.
Allemaal Steden
de stad weifelt over de huizen
de morgen vaart over de daken
de stad binnen
de zon staat op tussen de huizen
onder carillonmuziek
de mensen wandelen in het donker
als het elf uur is
de zon spoelt aan op de daken
aan het strand van de verten
ligt de stille zee der lucht
waarin het schip van een kerktoren
flikkert
in de buik van de stad
drinken wij koffie
en de stad zeilt verder. |
All Cities
the city waivers over the houses
the morning sails over the rooftops
into the city
the sun gets up between the houses
under carillon-music
people walk in darkness
when it's eleven o'clock
the sun drifts onto the roofs
on the beach of distances
lies the quiet sea-sky
in which the ship of a church-spire
flickers
in the belly of the city
we drink our coffee
and the city sails on. |
The "real" setting could be one of those hot and sulky New York city mornings in summer. Lodeizen uses this atmosphere to contrast the freedom of the distant cool sea-sky with the oppressiveness of the city-belly, where people walk in darkness even at eleven in the morning. Personal disharmony is transplanted into a conflict between the force of nature and the human environment. The ultimate realisation is that, whereas the sea-sky may offer a flicker of hope, the city offers protection and so sails on. The poet sails along with it, unable to make a clean brake for the other shore of the river that separates his two countries.
Childhood and innocence are other metaphors used to illustrate the contrast between the two banks of Lodeizen's "river".
.
toen ik nog in een middeleeuws
kasteel woonde en de wereld
plezierig voortreed, was ik ridder
en slotvoogd van mijn genot.
maar nu woon ik op een klein
kamertje en in een vreemd huis
door mijn ogen echter stroomt het
water en op de rots van mijn oor
zingt de Lorelei. |
when I still lived in a medieval
castle and the world
rode on delightfully, I was knight
and master of my desire.
but now I live in a tiny
room and in a strange house
through my eyes, however,
runs the water and on the rock of my ear
sings the Lorelei. |
Not only did childhood offer more pleasure than the present, it actually offered more control over life than adulthood, which is being led astray by the siren
There is also the realisation that the posturing of the present cannot stand the comparison with the past which, with all its vulnerability, offered also a more sincere understanding;
trots zal ik op de avond wachten
als een koning op audientie.
de legers zijn uitgezonden
het land zal ik veroveren
tot de horizon. Daar loopt
op een witte landweg de jongen
die ik geweest ben, toen ik
met niets dan dromen
van huis wegliep. |
proudly I'll wait for the evening
as a king giving audience.
the armies have been dispatched
the land I will conquer
till the horizon. Along
a white country-road walks the boy
I've been, when I,
with nothing but dreams,
ran away from home. |
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